Roller Derby Sociology: Part 9: Conflict Resolution (Final)

Friendly reminder: I only know what I know from years of both triumph and...

I did consider how inappropriate this was before posting it... but just couldn't help myself.

I certainly don't have it all figured out.

But who does, really?

That said, here's my final advice on Conflict Resolution...

Assuming that you've done all the pre-requisite reading of the previous 8 posts?

(Listed in the left column, if you want to now.)

I list things in steps, for ease of reading. 

But I'm not always this organized in my process, and am not necessarily saying it needs to be so structured. Though having steps sometimes helps.

1) Go Through The Processing/Reflecting Phase First

First you need a chance to go through the anger thing. Then put yourself in someone else's shoes, enough to at least accept the possibility that:

A) You could be wrong

B) You could be missing some information

Sometimes when a rumor/conflict seems totally incredulous-rediculous-insane... it's because it isn't entirely true. And you could be missing a key part of the story.

But... you won't know that unless you give your (seeming) opposition a chance to give their side of the story.

2) Grow A Spine?

I've read in dream books that if you're being chased by a scary monster, and keep running, it keeps chasing you. But if you stop running and face your demons...

They lose all their power.

I've tried the dream thing- totally works!

Your social problems are the same. Running away only makes them chase you.

Trust me, I know how uncomfortable confrontation can be! I should have a PhD in powering through uncomfortable situations, at this point...

But you know what?

Because once it's over, it's always SUCH A RELIEF that I encourage you to push past the discomfort to see what good communication feels like, on the other side of it.

3) Set Up A Meeting

This might seem laughable to you, if you've been embroiled in a heated debate that's already gotten nasty...

You might be afraid that the person would never-ever-in-a-million-years agree to that.

But I'll let you in on a human weakness nearly all of us have: It's almost impossible to resist free food. 

So email the person (so they get a chance to weigh out the option) or ask, after practice if you can:

~Buy them lunch

~Buy them dinner

~Buy them coffee

~Buy them a drink

Whatever fits that person's personality best. 

Think about it this way: Conflict Resolution might cost you... up to 30 bucks...
But wouldn't you pay someone else $30 to make the problem go away?

Even if someone can't stand the sight of you, most of us are powerless to opportunity of free food. And it proves your willingness to work things out.

I teach this in one of my seminars, and wouldn't you know it... a skater used it on me recently!

I was like... Damn... you got me with my own tricks! But you know what? 
I liked her better by the end of lunch. Food can be magical that way.

4) Lay It On The Line

I like the vulnerability/honesty of statement/questions like:

When _____________ happens, I feel like _________________. Did I do something to piss you off?

~or~

I don't need to be your friend, if you don't want that. But... Does it always have to be weird between us?

Something like that. 

Alpha Women can typically smell bullshit 10,000 miles away, so I don't recommend going over the top or starting w/ qualifying statements you don't really feel, like:  You know I love you, but...

If it isn't true, don't say it. 

You don't have to love, or even like each other, to come to an understanding and be respectful of each others differing viewpoints. 

But it does help to be sincere in your good will.

When somebody is disrespectful, I know well that it goes against every human instinct of self-protection to reach out to them anyways.

But that's why, I believe, it can be so powerful and awesome to make the effort (and work things out) anyways.

Some of my best friends are people I initially had friction with.

It's true.

And there are a handful of people that, no matter how reasonable I tried to be, they wouldn't meet me half way.  And that's their loss, because I'm an awesome friend to have.

But that's a handful out of thousands!!! So, for me, it's always worth the effort. 

I hope this series helps you with your derby relations.

Try to consider our bigger picture in history. Yes, we're having a good time with roller derby.

But we're also creating a new chapter of Women's History.

There's never been such a world wide network of female owned and operated businesses like this...
Let alone involving contact sports!

So, next time you're in the middle of some petty debate (trust me, 8 years later, each power struggle feels like a total waste of passion)....

Consider your position in history. It's a pretty rad one!

Why cheapen that?

Have a spectacularly-history-alteringly-significantly-abundantly-considerately-totally rad day!

Parting gifts:

Do You Believe In Magic??

I'm sure you've heard of the power of intention, or maybe the law of attraction, or other forms of making magic happen for yourself, right?

 Well, there's tricks to it. Some of them I know, some I'm sure I don't yet.

All genitals aside, have you heard the controversy of this picture? God, touching man with the power of enlightenment, is coming from a brain shaped cloud; the power of god is in the human mind. Pretty sacrilegious, considering da vinci painted it in... a chapel!

But nothing's more powerful than one strong group intention. The bigger the group, the more the passion, the bigger the possibilities.

I'm gonna tell one of my stories as it relates to getting a banked track, but you can apply the same philosophy to whatever your current goal is.

What a lot of skaters outside of banked track leagues probably don't realize is...

Nobody starts off a banked track league right out the gate! In the beginning there's skating rinks, getting a business together, forming a league ethic...

In short, all the same steps/combination of passion and energy that you apply to your league, but with an added intention.

But there's this crazy phenomenon that helps the final push, a birthing if you will, of the actual track itself. And it's called getting on one.

Before there was San Diego Derby Dolls, I was an LA Derby Doll. And we always had this intention of getting our own banked track.

So when our coach at the time was going to be in an old school banked track game, we all took the day long road trip to be there for it.

Me, old school legend "Skinny Minnie", Robin Graves, Crystal Deth, Judy Gloom

To support our coach? Yes. But also...for the chance to skate a banked track ourselves. For the first time.

Some of us helped build the track, others just lurked around the building, skating in the halls... others had started drinking at noon and would just be watching the event go down. (It was a different time.)

Remember, I was a young hyperactivederbyobsessedfreak... so the anticipation of this moment was almost toofuckingmuch for me to bear!

The SECOND the last screw was in the track, I threw a leg over the side and I was flying around it with no regard! It was so....

Before this moment, we'd worked so hard for so long towards that goal...

But I'm not kidding you, when we got home from being actually on one for the first time... shit just happened. We had our own track within a couple months.

It's like... whatever you want, get on it. Get in it. Do something like it, whatever, and you'll get it in no time! And if you do that as a group....

I've got a lot more stories about magic... but for now, I bid you adieu.

Have a magically rad day today!

Here's my parting gift: