Please, continue to share and enjoy the posts this blog has to offer! Please, continue to share and enjoy the posts this blog has to offer!
Please, continue to share and enjoy the posts this blog has to offer!
It's my intention that it exists as a living library, not only of my story, but the stories of everyone who posts comments and starts dialogues based on the content.
Friendly reminder: I only know what I know from years of both triumph and...
I did consider how inappropriate this was before posting it... but just couldn't help myself.
I certainly don't have it all figured out.
But who does, really?
That said, here's my final advice on Conflict Resolution...
Assuming that you've done all the pre-requisite reading of the previous 8 posts?
(Listed in the left column, if you want to now.)
I list things in steps, for ease of reading.
But I'm not always this organized in my process, and am not necessarily saying it needs to be so structured. Though having steps sometimes helps.
1) Go Through The Processing/Reflecting Phase First
First you need a chance to go through the anger thing. Then put yourself in someone else's shoes, enough to at least accept the possibility that:
A) You could be wrong
B) You could be missing some information
Sometimes when a rumor/conflict seems totally incredulous-rediculous-insane... it's because it isn't entirely true. And you could be missing a key part of the story.
But... you won't know that unless you give your (seeming) opposition a chance to give their side of the story.
2) Grow A Spine?
I've read in dream books that if you're being chased by a scary monster, and keep running, it keeps chasing you. But if you stop running and face your demons...
They lose all their power.
I've tried the dream thing- totally works!
Your social problems are the same.Running away only makes them chase you.
Trust me, I know howuncomfortableconfrontation can be! I should have a PhD in powering through uncomfortable situations, at this point...
But you know what?
Because once it's over, it's always SUCH A RELIEF that I encourage you to push past the discomfort to see what good communication feels like, on the other side of it.
3) Set Up A Meeting
This might seem laughable to you, if you've been embroiled in a heated debate that's already gotten nasty...
You might be afraid that the person would never-ever-in-a-million-years agree to that.
But I'll let you in on a human weakness nearly all of us have: It's almost impossible to resist free food.
So email the person (so they get a chance to weigh out the option) or ask, after practice if you can:
~Buy them lunch
~Buy them dinner
~Buy them coffee
~Buy them a drink
Whatever fits that person's personality best.
Think about it this way: Conflict Resolution might cost you... up to 30 bucks... But wouldn't you pay someone else $30 to make the problem go away?
Even if someone can't stand the sight of you, most of us are powerless to opportunity of free food.And it proves your willingness to work things out.
I teach this in one of my seminars, and wouldn't you know it... a skater used it on me recently!
I was like... Damn... you got me with my own tricks! But you know what? I liked her better by the end of lunch. Food can be magical that way.
4) Lay It On The Line
I like the vulnerability/honesty of statement/questions like:
When _____________ happens, I feel like _________________. Did I do something to piss you off?
~or~
I don't need to be your friend, if you don't want that. But... Does it always have to be weird between us?
Something like that.
Alpha Women can typically smell bullshit 10,000 miles away, so I don't recommend going over the top or starting w/ qualifying statements you don't really feel, like:You know I love you, but...
If it isn't true, don't say it.
You don't have to love, or even like each other, to come to an understanding and be respectful of each others differing viewpoints.
But it does help to be sincere in your good will.
When somebody is disrespectful, I know well that it goes against every human instinct of self-protection to reach out to them anyways.
But that's why, I believe, it can be so powerful and awesome to make the effort (and work things out) anyways.
Some of my best friends are people I initially had friction with.
It's true.
And there are a handful of people that, no matter how reasonable I tried to be, they wouldn't meet me half way. And that's their loss, because I'm an awesome friend to have.
But that's a handful out of thousands!!!So, for me, it's always worth the effort.
I hope this series helps you with your derby relations.
Try to consider our bigger picture in history. Yes, we're having a good time with roller derby.
But we're also creating a new chapter of Women's History.
There's never been such a world wide network of female owned and operated businesses like this... Let alone involving contact sports!
So, next time you're in the middle of some petty debate (trust me, 8 years later, each power struggle feels like a total waste of passion)....
Consider your position in history. It's a pretty rad one!
Why cheapen that?
Have a spectacularly-history-alteringly-significantly-abundantly-considerately-totally rad day!
Skipping all the pleasantries and getting right to the advice on The Process Of Conflict Resolution.
Oh yeah, it's a process.
The first part of the process is Addressing Yourself. The second part, in the next blog, will be Addressing The Situation.
Addressing Your Self Advice:
1) Acknowledge Your Feelings
Every living being gets pissed off. Even plants!
And that's ok.
Staying pissed off all the time is unhealthy.
But, if you try to ignore your feelings, it you try to "just let it go," it never really does go away does it?
I don't get pissed off about things that don't matter to me. So when I'm mad, I let myself be mad. But I put a time limit on it. Depending on how mad I am.
Like, if it's something small, I can be mad for an hour. If it's big, maybe a day. That's just pure madness time.
Just to let myself feel what I have to feel.
2) Cool The Fuck Down
If I immediately addressed every time something pissed me off, with no working to take the edge off it first...
Well, I'd be 22 all over again.
Something needs to be done, once the anger's allowed to surface, to clear it out of your system.
There's lots of ways to take the edge off, productively:
~Go for a run, skate, bike or swim
~Dump it all out on a piece of paper
~Take a shower
~Clean the house
~Dance to ridiculously loud music
You might notice I did not suggest "Call a friend," or "Go out for a drink."
For many, this might be the first thing thing they would do. For me, that usually proved to be unwise...
I'll leave it to you to draw your own conclusions on that one, though.
3) Reflect, Reflect, Reflect
Think about your desired outcome:
Is it to hurt the person you're mad at?
Is it to keep the anger mill going forever?
Is it to upset everyone else around you?
Or do you just want everything to be cooled down and normalized again?
In order to achieve "cool again" it helps to recognize the more vulnerable reasons why you're upset.
For example:
I used to take it personally when skaters would ask me a million questions about every new decision at league meetings.
And by personally: I mean I would get furious.
So I had to cool off and ask myself:
Why do I get so defensive when people ask questions??
While I was furious, I couldn't really address it.
But when I cooled off, and got to a more vulnerable place I realized: I think they're saying I'm a bad leader who makes bad decisions.
The truth was: nobody was saying that.
They're just intelligent women. And smart people ask questions.
Sometimes, when you get pissed off, the problem is not really the other person. It's an insecurity you have that needs to come out and be dealt with.
So reflection, before action or debate, is what I recommend.
What I don't recommend is arguing yourself into a fit of tears at league meeting. Not that I ever did that...
Oh, wait... yeah... I totally did do that once.
OK, twice.
So... that's a lot to take in, I know. I've had years to reflect on this and I'm not trying to dump it all into one blog post.
But the first step of every journey is looking inward, in my opinion.
Especially when it involves other Alpha Women!
Have a well-balanced-inwardly-and-outwardly-totally-kick-ass-crazy-radder-than-RAD day!
Last time Henry Rollins was on a spoken word tour that stopped at 4th and B, Matt and I went to see him.
Of all the funny/interesting things he said, there was one that stood out to me the most.
And that was that we're all completely walking contradictions on some level.
This really rang true, and I'm certainly no exception. For instance, an example of this that seems to throw a lot of people off...
I am a lover. I have the instinct to truly cherish people. I mean, loving, nurturing, empowering encouragement...
I bring all that to the table, in spades.
But, like a mother wolf, I also have the instinct to be completely cold and cut off a sick member of the pack.
I want them to go off and die alone in the woods, so they don't infect the rest of my pack with their disease.
That's how I am in my personal life, anyways.
If someone's presence isn't healthy, I won't have them around me. And it doesn't really matter who they are or how long I've known them, I have the ability to cut cords like that.
Even when it's hard/harsh.
Roller derby dynamics, however, make this a tricky, don't they?
I've seen the signs of the occasional toxic person, tried to reach them with a heart to heart, they've proven unreachable. (I don't just try once, see my Conflict Resolution Series.)
At this point I'm ready to cut someone off, consider them non-existant and go about my life.
But it's weird when they don't... go away...
Sorry, I haven't found a definitive solution to this!
I had to struggle with having to see a bitter face 2-3 times/week (FOR YEARS!) and wonder why someone would wanna go through life with little to no self reflection?
But... I guess that being forced to continue to see and interact with people you don't like is just part of life. In the end, it does seem to make you a better person, doesn't it?
A wise Derby Doll, Micki Dagger, coined the phrase "emotional endurance" and I think that applies here.
Do u really need a reason to post a picture like this?
In the end, with roller derby, you take the bad with the good.
And just keep going, no matter how many sick wolves are in the pack, because of how much you love (and have to learn from) the healthy ones.
And unpleasant vibes won't kill you. But they might just make you stronger!
At this point you may be wondering if I'm one of those wolf t-shirt wearing people.
And... your answer would be yes. : )
If you have encouraging stories on this subject, feel free to share. But let's keep it constructive, and anonymous with names please.
You have a rad day today!!! Here's my parting gifts!
If you wanna get a wolf shirt... that has my face on it... Wicked Skatewear can help you with that!
http://wickedskatewear.com/wolfmaiden.aspx