blogpreketek2: bonnie d. stroir

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Roller Derby Sociology: Part 7

Skipping all the pleasantries and getting right to the advice on The Process Of Conflict Resolution.

Oh yeah, it's a process.

The first part of the process is Addressing Yourself. The second part, in the next blog, will be Addressing The Situation.

Addressing Your Self Advice:

1) Acknowledge Your Feelings

Every living being gets pissed off. Even plants!

And that's ok.

Staying pissed off all the time is unhealthy.

But, if you try to ignore your feelings, it you try to "just let it go," it never really does go away does it?

I don't get pissed off about things that don't matter to me. So when I'm mad, I let myself be mad. But I put a time limit on it. Depending on how mad I am.

Like, if it's something small, I can be mad for an hour. If it's big, maybe a day. That's just pure madness time.

Just to let myself feel what I have to feel.

2) Cool The Fuck Down

If I immediately addressed every time something pissed me off, with no working to take the edge off it first...

Well, I'd be 22 all over again.

Something needs to be done, once the anger's allowed to surface, to clear it out of your system.

There's lots of ways to take the edge off, productively:

~Go for a run, skate, bike or swim

~Dump it all out on a piece of paper

~Take a shower

~Clean the house

~Dance to ridiculously loud music

You might notice I did not suggest "Call a friend," or "Go out for a drink."

For many, this might be the first thing thing they would do. For me, that usually proved to be unwise...

I'll leave it to you to draw your own conclusions on that one, though.

3) Reflect, Reflect, Reflect

Think about your desired outcome:

Is it to hurt the person you're mad at?

Is it to keep the anger mill going forever?

Is it to upset everyone else around you?

Or do you just want everything to be cooled down and normalized again?

In order to achieve "cool again" it helps to recognize the more vulnerable reasons why you're upset.

For example:

I used to take it personally when skaters would ask me a million questions about every new decision at league meetings.

And by personally: I mean I would get furious.

So I had to cool off and ask myself:

Why do I get so defensive when people ask questions??

While I was furious, I couldn't really address it.

But when I cooled off, and got to a more vulnerable place I realized: I think they're saying I'm a bad leader who makes bad decisions.

The truth was: nobody was saying that.

They're just intelligent women. And smart people ask questions.

Sometimes, when you get pissed off, the problem is not really the other person. It's an insecurity you have that needs to come out and be dealt with.

So reflection, before action or debate, is what I recommend.

What I don't recommend is arguing yourself into a fit of tears at league meeting. Not that I ever did that...

Oh, wait... yeah... I totally did do that once.

OK, twice.

So... that's a lot to take in, I know. I've had years to reflect on this and I'm not trying to dump it all into one blog post.

But the first step of every journey is looking inward, in my opinion.

Especially when it involves other Alpha Women!

Have a well-balanced-inwardly-and-outwardly-totally-kick-ass-crazy-radder-than-RAD day!

Here's my parting gifts to you!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

If I Promise To Miss You, Will You Go Away?

Last time Henry Rollins was on a spoken word tour that stopped at 4th and B, Matt and I went to see him.

Of all the funny/interesting things he said, there was one that stood out to me the most.

And that was that we're all completely walking contradictions on some level.

This really rang true, and I'm certainly no exception. For instance, an example of this that seems to throw a lot of people off...

I am a lover. I have the instinct to truly cherish people. I mean, loving, nurturing, empowering encouragement...

I bring all that to the table, in spades.

But, like a mother wolf, I also have the instinct to be completely cold and cut off a sick member of the pack.

I want them to go off and die alone in the woods, so they don't infect the rest of my pack with their disease.

That's how I am in my personal life, anyways.

If someone's presence isn't healthy, I won't have them around me. And it doesn't really matter who they are or how long I've known them, I have the ability to cut cords like that.

Even when it's hard/harsh.

Roller derby dynamics, however, make this a tricky, don't they?

I've seen the signs of the occasional toxic person, tried to reach them with a heart to heart, they've proven unreachable. (I don't just try once, see my Conflict Resolution Series.)

At this point I'm ready to cut someone off, consider them non-existant and go about my life.

But it's weird when they don't... go away...

Sorry, I haven't found a definitive solution to this!

I had to struggle with having to see a bitter face 2-3 times/week (FOR YEARS!) and wonder why someone would wanna go through life with little to no self reflection?

But... I guess that being forced to continue to see and interact with people you don't like is just part of life. In the end, it does seem to make you a better person, doesn't it?

A wise Derby Doll, Micki Dagger, coined the phrase "emotional endurance" and I think that applies here.